Friday, May 2, 2008

A Nick Hogan Rant

Ok Nick Hogan, first of all I have to really give it to you. You are a fighter. When you’re Dad became Hulk Hogan, you took it like a man, even as he ripped off his shirt, got all greased up, and grappled with Randy Savage in front of the world for 25 years. Then, your Dad got a show that made you look like a fucking retard, walking around the house with your fat, frizzy haired friend all day talking about Nissans. The whole world was introduced to what a total douche nozzle you are, and still, you decided to live on.

Then, your sister became a 7 foot tall whore, and everyone jacked off to her. After that, you managed to paralyze your friend and give him severe brain damage by trying to race your other dumbass friend. Way to go brosef.

By the way Nick, that Nissan killed itself that night. It wasn’t an accident. The car couldn’t stand being driven by you. You and your retard friends, driving around and listening to Pennywise, stomping on it’s gas pedal and spilling Mountain Dew in it’s back seat… yes… that Nissan drove ITSELF into that tree…. but still you managed to live.

Man you are an asshole. Even after all this, you can still be seen on your dad’s show moping around like a fucking loser, usually in the background pawing through the pantry for corn pops like a bear in the municipal dump while your mom tells “Terry” to stop drinking beer with his wrestling buddy dolls in the garage.

As if that weren’t bad enough, your Dad nailed Brooke’s best friend with his weird Hogan penis. Man, that stings. You couldn’t nail her, Nick, because you aren’t the Hulk. You’re more like the bulk. A big heavy burden on Hulk Hogan and Layla or whatever the hell your mom’s name is.

What else could you possibly do wrong, Nick Hogan? Is walking around with that undeserved sense of self worth the only thing you know how to do, because last time I checked, that doesn’t count as a job - that’s just being a piece of shit. It’s time for you to leave this mortal coil, Nicholas. It’s time.

Kill yourself and let me have sex with your giantess sister, Nick Hogan. I’ll even let mother Layla join, since she’s so mad at the Hulkster for banging her daughter’s friend. She’d probably love to squat on top of my radish while Brooke sucks my unwashed hand in the lazy river at Hurricane Harbor. That’s right, I’m going to treat your family to a day at the water park first, because I’m a deserving sexual partner for your mother and sister. Pave the way to my dreams, Nick, and just die already.