Monday, January 21, 2008

Tyler Perry Writes His Name on Everything, Pisses Me Off

"Tyler Perry's Ass-Slut"

Those are the words that Tyler Perry writes on his wife's asshole before violating it with his disgusting dong, upon which is a tattoo that reads "Tyler Perry's Penis".

When he's done, Tyler Perry wipes off his wife's ass with a towel that is embroidered with the words "Tyler Perry's Cum Rag". Then he goes to the door labeled "Tyler Perry's Bathroom" and pees all over "Tyler Perry's Toilet".

After this, he goes downstairs to "Tyler Perry's Fridge" and makes a sandwich. When his wife comes downstairs and asks for a sandwich, he makes one for her, puts a big sticky label on it that says "Tyler Perry Presents: Turkey Sandwich" and then gives it to his wife, whose name, by the way, has been legally changed to "Tyler Perry's Boo".

Now that you have lived a night in the life of Tyler Perry, you may be tempted to ask yourself "who the hell is this man, and why does he put his name all over everything" Well you aren't alone, millions across this great nation are asking the same thing every day, as more and more things labeled "Tyler Perry's ___" pop up. Examples are films like "Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married?", "Tyler Perry's Diary of a Mad Black Woman", "Tyler Perry's Daddy's Little Girls", "Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns", "Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail", and a television show, "Tyler Perry's House of Payne".

So you see what I mean now, the man cannot keep his name off of anything. Usually, this sort of name labeling is reserved for movies that are 1) imported foreign films presented by a famous native film maker, (as in "Quentin Tarantino Presents: Beyblades, The Musical") or when a famous author has written it (as in "John Carpenter's Vampires). But conventional reasons have nothing to do with Tyler Perry's excessive name writing.

You see, Tyler Perry has a brilliant idea. He knows that nobody has any fucking clue who he is, nor do they care, but this is something that Tyler cannot stand for. So, a few years ago, he decided to take a stand, buy a label maker, and began putting his name on everything he possibly could. Before the world knew it, over half of the land in the greater Atlanta area was owned and labelled by Tyler Perry. A year later, he owned all of Chicago. Already plans are in the works to change Times Square in New York City to "Tyler Perry's Times Square, NY."

I interviewed Tyler Perry's mother, Belinda Perry, and asked her "why does your son feel compulsed to take over the world by writing his name all over the place? How did this start"?

Her response to me was this:

"As a boy, Tyler was always hungry. He was so hungry that I used to call him lil' hungry piggy, and he used to get into it and snort and roll around askin' for food. One day, Tyler got so hungry that started eatin' people's food out of the fridge! I caught him one day and said 'Tyler! Gimme that sandwich boy, who said you allowed to eat that? Does this sandwich have yo damn name on it, child?' and he said 'no it doesn't, but if it did, then could I eat it'? I said, 'I suppose you could'. Next day, I come home, every food item in the whole damn house got "Tyler Perry" written on it in crayon. The day after that, he ran away, and I never saw him again, but I saw his signature everywhere I looked. It didn't take but a week before the whole town was owned by him! Tyler Perry's Bus stop, Tyler Perry's Town Hall, Tyler Perry Presents: Kennedy Highschool, and so on..."

After my interview with Belinda Perry, I realized what we had on our hands here is not just a playwrite/filmmaker with mediocre talents and an intense love for his own name. No, we have a complete maniac who will not stop until he has claimed every single part of the world. If we do not stop Tyler Perry now, it will only be a matter of time before entire continents are renamed things like "Tyler Perry Presents: Australia, the Land Down Under". In 10 years time, if Tyler Perry is left unchecked, every single man, woman, and child will be forced to adopt the prefix "Tyler Perry's".

Imagine asking your mother for dinner and being forced by copyright law to say "Tyler Perry Presents: Mom, when is Tyler Perry Presents: dinner going to be ready?" or "Tyler Perry Presents: Father, can Tyler Perry Presents: Jimmy sleep over tonight?"

"Yes son, if Tyler Perry Presents: Jimmy's Parents make sure it's ok with Tyler Perry first".

Children will kneel down in front of their beds every night and pray to Tyler Perry Presents: God. When countries have a dispute, they will settle it with Tyler Perry Presents: War. If you so much as murmur a bad word about Tyler Perry or the fact that his name is everywhere, he will appear at your house and you will experience Tyler Perry Presents: beating the shit out of you with Tyler Perry's Boots.

I urge the world, we must stop Tyler Perry now, before it's too late, or before you know it, you won't be able to take a dump without having to write "Tyler Perry Presents: your turds" all over it.