Friday, May 2, 2008

A Nick Hogan Rant

Ok Nick Hogan, first of all I have to really give it to you. You are a fighter. When you’re Dad became Hulk Hogan, you took it like a man, even as he ripped off his shirt, got all greased up, and grappled with Randy Savage in front of the world for 25 years. Then, your Dad got a show that made you look like a fucking retard, walking around the house with your fat, frizzy haired friend all day talking about Nissans. The whole world was introduced to what a total douche nozzle you are, and still, you decided to live on.

Then, your sister became a 7 foot tall whore, and everyone jacked off to her. After that, you managed to paralyze your friend and give him severe brain damage by trying to race your other dumbass friend. Way to go brosef.

By the way Nick, that Nissan killed itself that night. It wasn’t an accident. The car couldn’t stand being driven by you. You and your retard friends, driving around and listening to Pennywise, stomping on it’s gas pedal and spilling Mountain Dew in it’s back seat… yes… that Nissan drove ITSELF into that tree…. but still you managed to live.

Man you are an asshole. Even after all this, you can still be seen on your dad’s show moping around like a fucking loser, usually in the background pawing through the pantry for corn pops like a bear in the municipal dump while your mom tells “Terry” to stop drinking beer with his wrestling buddy dolls in the garage.

As if that weren’t bad enough, your Dad nailed Brooke’s best friend with his weird Hogan penis. Man, that stings. You couldn’t nail her, Nick, because you aren’t the Hulk. You’re more like the bulk. A big heavy burden on Hulk Hogan and Layla or whatever the hell your mom’s name is.

What else could you possibly do wrong, Nick Hogan? Is walking around with that undeserved sense of self worth the only thing you know how to do, because last time I checked, that doesn’t count as a job - that’s just being a piece of shit. It’s time for you to leave this mortal coil, Nicholas. It’s time.

Kill yourself and let me have sex with your giantess sister, Nick Hogan. I’ll even let mother Layla join, since she’s so mad at the Hulkster for banging her daughter’s friend. She’d probably love to squat on top of my radish while Brooke sucks my unwashed hand in the lazy river at Hurricane Harbor. That’s right, I’m going to treat your family to a day at the water park first, because I’m a deserving sexual partner for your mother and sister. Pave the way to my dreams, Nick, and just die already.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Jesus and the Dinosaurs

It has come to my attention that it is theoretically possible that Jesus Christ, Son of God, was actually a rider and caretaker of dinosaurs. You heard me right. If this is even remotely possible, I don't understand why every scientific mind in the world is not devoted to studying it.

Here are some artifacts that I have found supporting this theory.

As demonstrated by this highly scientific depiction of Jesus galloping atop a raptor, we don't yet know for sure, if he rode dinosaurs, but according to the bible, or at least the this coloring book publisher, he probably did.And after all, when we're talking about the bible, isn't probably usually enough to mean "completely true"?

In this highly ridiculous painting that I have dated back to around 1100 BC, Jesus is shown not only riding what appears to be a ludicrously small brontosaurus, but also cradling what seems like an alligator. If you look at his left hand, you will notice that he is pointing to other Brontosaurs, perhaps giving this baby alligator a tour of the Jurassic world. Of course, as with any picture of dinosaurs, there are the ubiqutous pterodactyls flying overhead. It is also of note that the brontosaurus appears to be singing, perhaps due to the joy of being ridden by Jesus.

Yet another depiction of Jesus riding a dino, but what makes this one interesting is that he is also, for some reason, on his way to be crucified. As a child I remember hearing many accounts of Jesus's final hours, the stations of the cross, and the events that took place before his execution. Hell, I even saw "The Passion of the Christ", which god has told us is the most accurate depiction of the whole event. Yet for some reason I don't seem to remember there being a final Tyrannosaurus Rex in any of these accounts. I remember the last supper, I remember Jesus giving his first and last communion, but my memory seems to fail me when it comes to the last T. Rex ride.

That's why this is so important, if indeed Jesus Christ rode a dinosaur to his execution, then it was actually a lot easier that the 5 mile cross-hauling slog on foot depicted in the current version of the bible. Riding a T. Rex to one's own death is arguably one of the funner, more whimsical ways to die for man's sins. and I feel like the whole tone of the bible and maybe even religion in general could change if this were discovered to be the fact.

This one appears to be a renaissance painting of Jesus cradling a dino-child, which ironically enough seems to be giving us all a "fuck you" look because he is getting a Jesus hug and we are not. I'm not sure why, if Jesus cared so much about dinosaurs, he decided to extinct the living shit out of them, so to me this painting makes little sense. Add to that the fact that Jesus is not even riding this dinosaur, but instead you could almost say it's riding him (or in his arms at least). I believe this one to be a hoax. While there appears to be more and more evidence as time goes on that Jesus rode dinosaurs, there is still no evidence (except for this 15th century hoax) that he actually held them or comforted them in any way.

Also notice the pterodactyl and volcano eruption, without which we might not understand that this is prehistoric.

And now for the most interesting piece of evidence yet.

According to this picture, Jesus may actually have been a dinosaur. This also lends credence to the Reptoid theory, and while this is difficult to validate, we here at are tempted to believe it anyways. It's a little something called faith, people.

Using modern technology, the input of a furry, and a conspiracy theorist, we have managed to create what we believe is an accurate picture of what Reptoid Jesus would look like naked (and squatting).

He died for your sins and mine, but he squats for himself.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Dance Movies Fucking Suck

I can't be the only person that is baffled by the sudden explosion of "street dancing movies". I don't know who, or where, or why, but somebody, somewhere, is actually paying to see these movies. Not only that, based on the fact that a new one comes out every day, somebody is actually enjoying them too! You can probably already tell that this will be leading into my trademark theory of dumbass sterilization.

I feel like the competitive and suspiciously gay world of underground street dancing cannot possibly have enough members in it's supremely embarrassing, really boring subculture to actually fund the constant production of these multi-million dollar features. This piece of speculative math has lead me to believe that more than 90% of the people that watch movies like "Step Up" and "Stomp the Yard" are actually non-dancing, really ignorant people that are wowed by the mysteriously cgi-esque dance moves.

Maybe I am the only person in the world that feels this way, but watching other people dance to rap is right next to "strangle my own parents" on my list of fun things to do. What's even worse than just the fact that somebody spends $40 on a movie with a script that revolves around people, literally, stomping on a fucking yard, is the fact that the poor yard has been stomped upwards of 30 times in the last couple years by all of the most pathetic wiggers and failed rappers that Hollywood could muster. Once in a while, you get a talented dancer in here or there, I guess, but I'm reluctant to say that it's ever really impressive when somebody is lifted and twirled by wires. As far as I'm concerned, I am the best dancer in the world, but you don't see me bragging about it (except for right now, but I'm proving a point).

You want to see some dancing that impresses me? This guy. This dude right here is about 250 times more entertaining than any single minute of "How She Move". (That movie should have been called "How She Speak Like an Idiot", by the way, and that is a movie I would have paid 10 dollars to see.)

That dude knows how to get down, and I know for a fact that if you took him to the mean streets of Baltimore (or wherever the cool kids get together and dance their way to teen pregnancy and drug addiction), he would fucking own everyone foolish enough to take him on. All of these fucking kids with their hats and their shoes, those little retards, they would pee in their pants and cry for mommy back in Calabasas if this old badass busted a move and then shouted in their face and shook them like a British nanny shakes an infant.

It's times like these that remind me why teachers were always so angry with kids in school, because kids dress like, look like, and generally are, pieces of shit. If my kid was ever a street dancer, I would want my teachers to have the legal ability to just absolutely beat the fucking shit out of him until he decided to be a doctor or an astronaut. I wish somebody had done the same for me. I would have probably been a child dentist by 16 and had enough money to be buying love by now. But instead I have to work for it like everyone else, and we all know how much fun that is...

And now, like I said in the beginning, any yard stomping discussion must inevitably lead to the topic of eugenics (sterilizing the unfit to breed). I think that anyone caught yard stomping, serving someone, how she move-ing, taking the lead, bustin it out, or just brining it on in general, should be drugged, brought to a warehouse, executed, and fed to the future yard stompers of America, hopefully inducing kuru and ending the problem where it starts.

That is the only way to truly end all of this madness. As we all learned in both "Footloose" and "Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights" (by the way, thanks a lot, assholes), dancing is in fact a medical condition. It brings on "the fever", sometimes called "the passion" of the dance, which is infectious, unless you are educated against it's dangers. The only cure is death or old age (and by the looks of Madonna and Paula Abdul, the fever may have become immune to this treatment).

I am starting a fund raiser to create a private school run by an uptight Baptist preacher with a horsewhip and a southern drawl, where any child caught dancing will be abused and forced to read the bible in it's entirety, because as history shows us, this is the only way to stop the madness, the stomping, and the fever.

Hating The Success of Others

It's been a proud tradition of mine to childishly slander and tear down people who have found ridiculous amounts of success. Whether or not they deserve this success is not really up to me, but whether or not I choose to attack them for it definitely is... and I choose to, if for no other reason than because I find it funny.

Lets start with Shia Lebeouf.


1. Shia Lebeouf: I'm not sure what bothers me more about Shia, his ridiculous first and last names or his role in that piece of shit movie "Disturbia", which I had the displeasure of watching inside an un-air-conditioned bungalow in Studio City last summer. Lebeouf's screen presence in the film is much like his name- confusing at first, and then just bad when further examined.

According to Wikipedia, "The name Shia is Hebrew for "gift from God" and the surname LaBeouf is a variation of "le boeuf," the French term for "the ox" or "the beef."

... in other words, god gave the world a gift, and it was a piece of beef.

Mysteriously, Stephen Spielberg has a crush on Shia Lebeouf, and has cast him in the new Indiana Jones. Apparently he will be playing a character named "Mutt the Greaser", who will be Indiana's youthful, sassy companion, providing comedic banter between the two. I'm pretty sure I would rather just watch a geriatric Indiana Jones shuffle around a retirement community and forget things for 2 1/2 hours than be forced to see him deal with Shia Lebeouf's "comedic banter" for even a minute.

2. Whoever is making "Date Movie", "Epic Movie", and "Meet the Spartans".

I strongly suspect that this series of films was written by a ventriloquist and his puppet, because that is about the caliber of humor that we are dealing with here. In fact, these films would be far better if they were performed entirely by dummys instead of the community theater actors that the producers paid in foodstamps to play characters as cliche to parody as Britney Spears or Borat.

I have been told that in "Meet the Spartans", over 3/4's of the entire movie is spent kicking various pop-culture figures down the pit depicted on the above poster in an painfully overt reference to "300". In fact, I would bet the life of a therapy dog that the entire pitch for this movie was "imagine if king Leonidas from 300 kicked Britney Spears down a well! Hahaha? yea you like it? Then maybe she can kick Bono down the well! Hahaha, then Simon Cowell!"

You think you're funny, writer of "Meet the Spartans?" Why don't you try picking on somebody whose humor is as terrible as yours is, perhaps the show "Scrubs" or maybe "Malcolm in the Middle"? Even I don't bother making fun of Britney, and that's a lot coming from a dude that spends his time trying to think of ways to make Shia Lebeouf's name look stupider than it already is (see above) and rubbing Kanye West's mother's death in his face (see below).

What's sad about this isn't just that somebody wasted their money making this worthless trilogy of trash, it's that these movies actually made money at the box office. I was fooled once by "Date Movie", as many people were. The crime is that people have been tricked two more times into paying ten dollars to watch what amounts to a comedy play written by a third grader that watches E! all day. Fool me once, ventriloquist, shame on me, but I'll be fucking damned if you are going to trick me into watching you parody "Spider Man 3" and "The Apprentice" in the same retarded sketch.

3. Dating Shows

Good fucking god, if I have to sit through another rehash of "Flavor of Love" that features some other washed up, diabetes stricken, overweight, drunk celebrity looking for love in a pack of lesbians, drug addled strippers, midgets who can't swim, and bi-polar reality stars I'm going to kill somebody. How many times do we need to see the same dregs of society making out with eachother, getting drunk, giving their pitiful insight into the ways of love, and then throwing up on the host and getting kicked out of the house? It's the same fucking thing every week!

Ok, the first two times was pretty funny, everyone knows that. But after the 14th "Rock of Love" and "I Love New York Mystery Edition: Who Gave New York AIDS?", the joke got pretty old. Now they even give dating shows to people that were contestants on other reality shows.

Prime example: the weird Italian guy from "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila", who won the challenge where the contestants tried to see who could push a baseball bat furthest into Tila's gaping asshole before another Middle Eastern man sent her a picture of himself masturbating and choking himself on Myspace. This victory, somehow, allowed "Domenico" to get his own show where women inexplicably compete for his affection, despite the fact that he is obviously a child molester.

4. Kim Kardashian

Ok lady, who the fuck are you? Can somebody please tell me who or what a Kardashian is, and why, according to E!, I am supposed to be keeping up with them? I was told that she is famous because there is a film of her with some guys weener up her butt, but last time I checked, there are countless women that fall into this category, many of them probably with actual talents. I know a couple of sodomists who are exceptional poets, and one of them can even sing (granted all he knows is some song called "cum in my ass").

So why is Kim famous? The answer may sicken you even more than the thought of semen dribbling from a dirty artist butthole that I just put in your mind: She knows Paris Hilton. Yea, that's it. That's all. Knowing Paris Hilton and filming things entering your butt is all it takes to be a TV star right now. Isn't that incredible? Talk about a country where you can be all you can be. You used to actually have class and talent to be a success. Psshhh, fuck that, Grandpa! This is 2008! Throw a dick up that old ass and call your most famous celebutante friend! I have a great pitch for a show: we'll call it "Greeting Grandpa", and it will be about how famous you are for letting some other grandpa destory your ancient colon with his barely erect penis! It'll be huge!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Hey Jen, I'm Preggers!

Hey Jen, guess what!?


I know! Isn't that amazing! The miracle of life is taking place right now inside of my soon-to-be-distended stomach! I think I might already be craving pickles, lol!

How did it happen? Well the hell if I know! I guess it probably started about a week ago when I was basting my cervix with the semen of this really intriguing garage mechanic in exchange for a tire rotation. His name was... oh shit isn't this funny, I can't even remember! Something with an R... like Rick or Rachmaninoff... hmmm... oh you know what it doesn't even matter. He has this bizarre moustache and he reminded me of grandpa so I just had to take him into me.

Anyways, you remember how we used to camp out in my "Lil' Bitch Goes Camping" tent that I got for christmas that one year when the "Lil Bitch" dolls were so popular? Ok, now that was fun, ha! But seriously, remember how us girls would all bet on which one of us would be the first to have cute lil beby? Ok, remember how we all agreed that whoever was pregnant first gets to raid the wardrobe of all the others? It's me!

So for starters I want that top that you wore to Islands that night when you made out with that crippled foreign guy. Yes, the one with the hummingbird feeder print! You bitch, don't pretend like you threw it away just because you want to keep it, hahaha! Ok, and also, since I'm sooo preggers and soon I'm gonna be like, a blimp, I need to borrow some of your shoes. Why? Because you have such big feet, and like, I'm sure my dainty geisha toes will retain water once I start having this beautiful beby growing inside of my womb!

Ok, also, if you aren't busy on Thursday, I want you to help me design "I'm preggers" cards to send out to all the gals at the office, so that they can be like sooo jealous. Hey, I wonder if my beby will be a president of the united states? No Jen I don't mean that stupid fucking band with that bald guy that talks about peaches and lumps, or whatever. That guy is a pervert, ew!

Hold on a second I'm going to go to the bathroom, I think being so preggers has made me have to take a really nasty girl shet, tee hee hee!






Jennn!!! *snifflez* I was pooping, and then all of a sudden, I, I pushed really hard, and this big sack of blood came out of my cooter! It smelled like sea water, and inside of it, oh my god, I could swear I saw a little hand! No I'm serious! Oh my god nooo.... my beeebbbbyyyyyy!!!!!!!! My beeebbbyyyyy!!!!!!

And... *sniff* - and I dug through the blood mess, and there was a filter from a Salem in there, and like, I could swear I felt some little bones when I tried to dig it out!!! Nooooo!!!!! My beebbbbyyy!!!!!


Hahaha, you stupid betch you started crying like we were in 3rd grade again!! Haaa!!! No stupid, I just took a really bloody, tough dump, and some like, snot or something came out of my cooter and it gave me the idea. Oh man, what a laugh!!

But seriously, help me make this fucking beby announcment or I'll flip out at you.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Tyler Perry Writes His Name on Everything, Pisses Me Off

"Tyler Perry's Ass-Slut"

Those are the words that Tyler Perry writes on his wife's asshole before violating it with his disgusting dong, upon which is a tattoo that reads "Tyler Perry's Penis".

When he's done, Tyler Perry wipes off his wife's ass with a towel that is embroidered with the words "Tyler Perry's Cum Rag". Then he goes to the door labeled "Tyler Perry's Bathroom" and pees all over "Tyler Perry's Toilet".

After this, he goes downstairs to "Tyler Perry's Fridge" and makes a sandwich. When his wife comes downstairs and asks for a sandwich, he makes one for her, puts a big sticky label on it that says "Tyler Perry Presents: Turkey Sandwich" and then gives it to his wife, whose name, by the way, has been legally changed to "Tyler Perry's Boo".

Now that you have lived a night in the life of Tyler Perry, you may be tempted to ask yourself "who the hell is this man, and why does he put his name all over everything" Well you aren't alone, millions across this great nation are asking the same thing every day, as more and more things labeled "Tyler Perry's ___" pop up. Examples are films like "Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married?", "Tyler Perry's Diary of a Mad Black Woman", "Tyler Perry's Daddy's Little Girls", "Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns", "Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail", and a television show, "Tyler Perry's House of Payne".

So you see what I mean now, the man cannot keep his name off of anything. Usually, this sort of name labeling is reserved for movies that are 1) imported foreign films presented by a famous native film maker, (as in "Quentin Tarantino Presents: Beyblades, The Musical") or when a famous author has written it (as in "John Carpenter's Vampires). But conventional reasons have nothing to do with Tyler Perry's excessive name writing.

You see, Tyler Perry has a brilliant idea. He knows that nobody has any fucking clue who he is, nor do they care, but this is something that Tyler cannot stand for. So, a few years ago, he decided to take a stand, buy a label maker, and began putting his name on everything he possibly could. Before the world knew it, over half of the land in the greater Atlanta area was owned and labelled by Tyler Perry. A year later, he owned all of Chicago. Already plans are in the works to change Times Square in New York City to "Tyler Perry's Times Square, NY."

I interviewed Tyler Perry's mother, Belinda Perry, and asked her "why does your son feel compulsed to take over the world by writing his name all over the place? How did this start"?

Her response to me was this:

"As a boy, Tyler was always hungry. He was so hungry that I used to call him lil' hungry piggy, and he used to get into it and snort and roll around askin' for food. One day, Tyler got so hungry that started eatin' people's food out of the fridge! I caught him one day and said 'Tyler! Gimme that sandwich boy, who said you allowed to eat that? Does this sandwich have yo damn name on it, child?' and he said 'no it doesn't, but if it did, then could I eat it'? I said, 'I suppose you could'. Next day, I come home, every food item in the whole damn house got "Tyler Perry" written on it in crayon. The day after that, he ran away, and I never saw him again, but I saw his signature everywhere I looked. It didn't take but a week before the whole town was owned by him! Tyler Perry's Bus stop, Tyler Perry's Town Hall, Tyler Perry Presents: Kennedy Highschool, and so on..."

After my interview with Belinda Perry, I realized what we had on our hands here is not just a playwrite/filmmaker with mediocre talents and an intense love for his own name. No, we have a complete maniac who will not stop until he has claimed every single part of the world. If we do not stop Tyler Perry now, it will only be a matter of time before entire continents are renamed things like "Tyler Perry Presents: Australia, the Land Down Under". In 10 years time, if Tyler Perry is left unchecked, every single man, woman, and child will be forced to adopt the prefix "Tyler Perry's".

Imagine asking your mother for dinner and being forced by copyright law to say "Tyler Perry Presents: Mom, when is Tyler Perry Presents: dinner going to be ready?" or "Tyler Perry Presents: Father, can Tyler Perry Presents: Jimmy sleep over tonight?"

"Yes son, if Tyler Perry Presents: Jimmy's Parents make sure it's ok with Tyler Perry first".

Children will kneel down in front of their beds every night and pray to Tyler Perry Presents: God. When countries have a dispute, they will settle it with Tyler Perry Presents: War. If you so much as murmur a bad word about Tyler Perry or the fact that his name is everywhere, he will appear at your house and you will experience Tyler Perry Presents: beating the shit out of you with Tyler Perry's Boots.

I urge the world, we must stop Tyler Perry now, before it's too late, or before you know it, you won't be able to take a dump without having to write "Tyler Perry Presents: your turds" all over it.